All Things Lish

The Queen of Almost

2011-05-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot has changed since my last post. I have done a lot of soul searching. Looking for that thing, that belief that is holding me back. Today I more deeply realized something I've known for a while. I don't complete things.

All sorts of things. Everything from the afghan I started crocheting when my son was still enutero, to my associates degree. I get so close to goals that I can taste them and then I don't finish. That chapter of my life gets to come to a close. It must.

I recently helped organize a 5k race, the proceeds went to an amazing charity. Pennies For Heroes. When you have a chance please check them out, they are an amazing organization, with a vision to assist the families of fallen officers, soldiers, and firefighters.

While organizing this event I felt great, the closer to completion that we got the more nervous I got. I wanted to quit. I had a heart to heart with another of the organizers. I confided in him that I had done my life up until this point "half assed" and it was time that I showed the world, and myself, that I am no longer that woman. That I see things through, that I am a success, not "almost" a success.

That's where I am with this weight journey. I've been within 20 pounds of the goal, gotten scared, started eating somewhat like I used to, stopped the food journal, slacked at the gym. Now, I'm back to with in 30 pounds of the goal.

The difference is that I SEE IT this time. I am finding what my triggers are and how I have traditionally dealt with them. I'm now finding new ways to deal with them. Things that are positive and reinforcing to the life I deserve. I know the importance of recommitting. I also know that it doesn't matter where I've been, or how much I've accomplished, what truly matters is what I'm doing right now.

I am going to have a celebration of my life, and a welcoming of my new life. I am going to do this when I reach my goal weight of 135 pounds.

Another thing I've never been particularly fond of is written goals. A friend told me today that goals, not written down, are nothing but wishes. I hadn't ever thought of it that way. But found it to be profound, and absolutely true.

So, what are my new goals, and am I writing them down, am I clear and consise? Am I committed? Am I ready to take massive action? YES! YES! YES!

I am going to have my party on or before September 17th, 2011. In the time between now and then I am going to release the last 30 pounds to my goal weight. I am going to stare this Queen of Almost in the face, and CHANGE HER STORY.

I'm starting now.

Love,
Alisha
xoxoxoxo

Breakdown, to break through!

2011-03-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

The last 20 pounds are the hardest. not because I have to do anything different, but because outside influences say I look good, even question why I would want to keep going. It makes slipping into unhealthy ways of being and eating easy and very temping.

I extend an apology to every skinny girl out there who I ever encouraged to take another donut, or some other"treat" from the goodie box in the break room, telling her she needed it, or saying one more won't hurt you, because the truth of the matter is it will.

It is also at this point that people no longer want to hear the story. The celebrations are fewer and farther between. They are still supportive but the Response changes, from you can do it, you're on the right track, keep it up! To you've done it, look how far you've come, give yourself a break. I gave myself a break and had a breakdown. That is where this is coming from. The past 3 days have been a continual spiral downward. Fueled by whatever I wanted, and somethings I truly didn't want, sugar, white flour, fat, simple carbs. I was Trying to feel full. My tank has hit empty, and the worst part about it is that for 3 days I haven't been satisfied. I'm never full, even though I've got pain in my belly that says I'm overly full.

Recommitting in this moment looks like finding the reason for the void, and filling it to over flowing with love and gratitude. The brownies are gone, the cookies, and the donuts are too. Time to peel back another layer, dig a little deeper, and create something bigger.

Hell

2011-02-07T04:34:00.000-08:00

For the past two weeks I've been in calorie counting hell. Actually maybe it's not calorie counting hell, maybe it's carbohydrate hell, or just over eating hell. Whatever it is it's hell.

I have started working out two times a day. Maybe my body is needing the extra energy. Either way I feel like the combination of working graveyards, physical activity, lack of sleep, and increased eating has made me feel rather... poopy.

I'm not giving up the two a days. I enjoy the work outs way too much. I'm open to the possibility that my body needs extra energy, so I'll re-look at my calories/eating habits.

I've never been this close to a "goal weight" before. My fear is that I may be sabotaging myself. So, that put out there, I can let go of that fear and remind myself of what my goals are, refocus and recommit.

I bought some new pants at Walmart (yes, Walmart, I'd rather shop elsewhere, but when jeans are only $12 and your on a fixed income you can't beat what they have to offer) I took size 8 and size 6 into the fitting room with me, totally expecting that the 6 would not zip or button. They did both! They're not too tight either. I do have a muffin top, but I have a muffin top in my size 10's and my size 12's that fall off. Why? Because I have all this excess skin I gotta get rid of. I'll take it though. I'd rather have the skin all loose and charpei looking than full and round and ... yeah, you get the picture. I'm confident that the work outs will tone some of this up, and eventually if needed I'll have the money to get a new belly... and some boobs. I used to have fairly nice ones... now I just have the bags they came in. Oh well. :) I really hope you're laughing right now.

Bring on a new week. I'm ready!

Much love,
Alisha xoxoxo

Caffeine!

2011-02-06T04:45:00.000-08:00

Only 8 more graveyard shifts to go! Can I get a halleluja! Last night was bad, as far as the things I put into my body, and it continued into the day.

On my way to work I knew I was in trouble, I was tired already. I stopped at my favorite late night conveniece store and bought the entire pot of freshly brewed dark roast coffee. That was sign number two.

Strike three came around halfway through the night when I found that little voice in the back of my head whispering "it's ok, just close your eyes, you'll still hear the phone, and the radio". NO! I jumped out of my chair and headed for the Rockstar Recovery I had in the fridge from a previous night.

All that caffeine gave me a little bit of a tummy ache. When I got off work I found myself craving carbs, couldn't get enough of them. I ate granola, a slice of pear cake, a piece of home made wheat bread with honey, all before I even realized what I was doing.

Then my tummy REALLY ached. In fact, even now, nearly 24 hours later I can still feel it. Maybe that's because when I got to work tonight my co worker had made some delicious ham and pasta salad, as well as sweet and salty chex mix. I figured I'd had such a horrible eating day already what the heck. I had some of both.

Needless to say my daily caloric intake is nearly double what I've been having.

So what's the good news? I now know what just over 2000 calories of almost all carbohydrates and fats really feels like. It doesn't feel good. Instead of beating myself up about it, I'm just recommitting to my healthy lifestyle, now, in this moment. I have a refrigerator clear full of delicious fruits and veggies that I got from my bountiful basket yesterday. I'm excited to create something with all of that fresh produce!

Have a beautiful day, and thanks for reading.

Much love,
Alisha xoxoxo

Word Press Web Spinner

2011-02-01T03:52:00.000-08:00

Or something like it...

I recently created a WordPress website for Runnin' For Heroes. This is a 5k run we are hosting here in Sevier county. It's a charity event with the proceeds of the race going to Pennies For Heroes.

I realize that the set up with WordPress is pretty simple, but I celebrate the fact that I was able to do it, complete with a plug in for registering and paying for the event.

I'm excited for this race because not only does it give us the opportunity to give back to our fallen heroes, it also provides a way to recognize the every day heroes in our lives. The brave men and women who vow to keep our communities safe, who put themselves in the line of danger every day in order to ensure that safety. It is also an opportunity for Police, Fire, and EMS to network with each other, building lasting relationships and friendships.

I never expected I'd be involved in something like this, but I am very, very grateful that I am.

Much love,
Alisha
xoxoxo

Gym Rat

2011-01-30T02:41:00.000-08:00

I totally believe in the power of manifestation. I have for quite some time been pondering a gym membership. What kept me from actually purchasing one? MONEY. So... I began pondering, thinking about, contemplating an affordable gym membership, pass, punch card, something. It was a frequent thought, but I didn't consciously act on it. After all what I've been doing has worked this long.

Then opportunity knocked. In the form of a $10/month membership extended to Sheriffs deputies, Dispatchers, EMS, and Fire in Sevier and Piute Counties from Lifetime Fitness. I could not pass this deal up, and I'm so glad I did. For those of you who fit in this category, Hurry in, Monday the 31st is the last day they are offering the deal!

I joined a couple of weeks ago. I've gone to every class offered at 8:30 am for a little over 2 weeks now. I even got with a trainer and had her show me how to use some of the machinery in the downstairs of the gym. I already notice a difference.

I've got 30 pounds to go to my goal. I think most of this is going to come off from efforts at the gym. I also have to tone my body! I have angel wings I never thought I'd have, and my belly I've lovingly termed my charpae belly. I may end up having some skin cut off, but I'd like to see what I can accomplish through exercise first.

I'm loving the gym. If I didn't have to go home and sleep, I might stay an extra hour and work out some more.

So now I have two loves, the gym, and Zumba in Central Valley. Shauna and the other instructors make it so much fun. I look forward to Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights. I couldn't do it with out the help of my mom though, and I want her to know how much I appreciate her willingness to watch my children while I shake it, and while I work. She is a lifeline, and I love her very much.

until next time, xoxoxo
Alisha

Moving...

2011-01-23T23:24:00.000-08:00

As you may have noticed, some posts are no longer here. Never fear, I've just moved them over to the food/nutrition blog. go check it out: lishesdishes@blogspot.com I hope you enjoy it!

Issues

2011-01-17T02:59:00.000-08:00

Sitting here at work tonight I'm confronted with the fact that I still have pretty major issues with food. The isolation of graveyard shift has brought it to light. There is always food in dispatch, most of the time it's no good. Candies, cookies, chocolate. Left overs from the last party, etc. This is a recipe for disaster.

I'm alone. I like being alone, sometimes. But I don't like feeling isolated. I know that doesn't make sense. BUT, I feel isolated. It's me, the late night TV, internet, and junk food. Throw in some late night emergencies, calls for any type of assistance and I'm right back to the adrenaline dump syndrom. I look forward to the time the graveyards are over. I've said it before. Food is the lover that doesn't leave. I'd like to think I have more tools to deal with this addiction. I do. However the past couple of days I've given in, over and over again. Perhaps it's the lack of human interaction at night. Perhaps, and probably more to the point it's an oportunity for me to look at my relationship with food once again.

Up until this point I've used my food addiction as a catalyst for changing my eating habits, my health. I'm still obsessed with food. I changed the focus of the obsession from what tasted and felt decadent in my mouth to what looked great, tasted great, and helped me look great. Am I ready to let go of food? My constant companion. Results from the last couple of days would say no. What's a girl to do?

I know one thing for certain. I've got a month left of this late night stuff, and nothing but time on my hands while at work to figure it out.

Stay tuned.

Much love,
Alisha

Health Coach?

2011-01-12T02:38:00.000-08:00

I feel the urge to give back from this incredible journey that I've been on for the past 8+ months. I truly want to make a difference. A lot of options have run through my mind, but none so prevelant as a health, or nutrition coach.

My nerves tend to overtake me as I contemplate the possibilities. I've done a bit of research, found some seemingly good companies that provide "accredidation" or training to certify a person as a coach. I'm hesitant to enroll in a program that wants me to pitch their product, as I'm kind of proud of the fact that I've made it this far without having taken any one particular suppliment or followed any specific weightloss plan.

My true fear is that no one will want to hear what I have to say. That no one will want my coaching. So I feel a bit stalled at the moment. Do I move on with this, or allow my fear to take over? I've never been one to give in to fear. I just deserve a good jumping off spot.

Much love,
Alisha

Goodbye

2011-01-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

Today I had the honor of traveling to Walsburg for my dear cousin's funeral. He was too young in my mind to have chosen to leave this world, yet that is what he did. He leaves behind a beautiful daughter.

It's difficult to see such a vibrant young life taken, and there are still many unanswered questions. I take solace knowing that he has found peace, and is surrounded by love once again.

Until then, xoxo
Alisha

Anniversary

2011-01-08T04:11:00.000-08:00

It's been just over a year that this little blog has been in existence, and while I've not written in it as often as I had originally intended, the fact that it is still here is something to be celebrated.

The fact that I am still here is to be celebrated. This is me, just 8 months ago. I could barely breath. I thought I was going to die. I remembered to love me. To take charge of my life.

And this is me almost a month ago. Down a little over 100 pounds. Can I get a woot! woot!

I've still got a ways to go before I hit my goal, so stay tuned. :)

Much love,

Alisha

Graveyards

2010-12-26T02:25:00.000-08:00

I'm in the midst of my 2nd of 40 graveyard shifts over the course of the next 8 weeks. It's Christmas Night. There have been treats here in dispatch for weeks, and I've resisted most of them.

Last night, and tonight much the same, as my co-workers leave and I find myself here alone, I hear those chocolate covered goodies, those cookies, even the pistachio nuts calling to me. There's no one here to talk to. There's no one on facebook, and very few new tweets. The television is full of infomercials. Boredom sets in, and still the calling from the sugar. I gave in. Tonight to the tune of 215 calories worth of chocolate, and another 30 calories in nuts. I could feel myself on the verge of spiraling into chocolate covered oblivion, and clawed my way back from the edge. I packed it all up. The mixed chocolates, the homemade treats, the white chocolate covered pretzels, the cookies, everything out of dispatch. Out of eyesight. I can now only barely hear them calling me from the other room. However, since I'm paid to sit here waiting for the phone to ring, it would be an occupational hazard to be in the other room rummaging through a myriad of things my body neither wants nor needs.

My alone times are the worst. The only person I'm accountable to is me (OK, that's the only person I'm accountable to anyway) but when I'm alone, no one else can see what goes into my mouth. Considering I'm going to be alone for a minimum of 4 hours each night at work, I must get on top of this issue ASAP. I'm open to suggestions here. I'm sure this is one of the universes best ways to get me to take a look at a core issue. The fear of being alone. Also, along those same lines, how it is that I have used food as a surrogate for companionship. Ugh.

What will get me through tonight? Writing this blog. Focusing on this beautiful purple and cream colored sweater set I'm wearing. Size Large. Not XXXL, XXL, or even XL. Nope. Just L. Pretty sure that 7 months ago I could not have gotten a single arm into this sweater. Tonight, I'm rocking it. The bling-ed out belt my parents gave me for Christmas. The one I looked at in disbelief, not thinking I'd get it around my midsection, only to find out the third hole is the most comfortable, not the very last possible one. I'll focus on these things. I'll transfer my "must have in there" purse items into my new purse. Maybe I'll break out the stability ball again tonight and work my core. *I'm sooo glad there aren't cameras to catch me on the floor contorting my body around this gigantic ball.* I'll look for articles on nutrition, and nutrition coaching, and try to find some information on hosting a 5k run.

Speaking of running. I've committed to the Bryce Canyon 1/2 marathon. It's some time in June. I'm excited to get back to training. I miss running. On the topic of hosting a run, things are still in the works. When I have details I'll post them. It'll be awesome if we can pull it off, and the proceeds will go to a very worthy charity.

With that I'll be done writing for the night. Here's to you and yours. Wishing that your Christmas was all that you wanted it to be. Sending you all the love you can handle.

xoxo,
Alisha

Holidays, Honestly!

2010-11-30T07:32:00.000-08:00

So it's the time of the year when I start making ooey gooey treats to give away. I've been at it for a couple of weeks now. Mom and I are doing a holiday boutique this weekend, and selling some of our home made goodies. I'm crossing my fingers that they sell, as Christmas $$ would be nice. I can't help but feel a little hypocritical though. Here I am making things that I myself am trying very hard not to put in my mouth.

That's not to say that caramels, fudge, rocky road, chocolate peppermint bark (I could go on) doesn't make it into my mouth, because it does. I'm relieved that it's not in the quantities that it would have been a year ago. Still feel a little remorse at eating it. I'm SOOO close to a major mile stone, and I've been stuck here for 2 weeks. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I weigh 180 pounds. I have been holding here for two weeks. 5 pounds from this mark will be... come on... do the math... yes, yes, 175 pounds. More importantly than that is that 175 means 100 pounds GONE since I committed to this journey. I want it! NOW!

Unfortunately, I haven't been working out like I ought to, and I've been eating sugar (as a result of tasting the home-made-ness to make sure it's good). What has this created? I feel TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. My emotions are all whacked, my gut is turning (tmi moment, sugar gives me gas, weird, I know). The boutique is this weekend, as soon as all the preparations are done I'm hitting the treadmill, or the eliptical. I can't hardly wait.

On to honesty. I keep track of my calories at http://www.fatsecret.com/. I can't tell you how much I love this site. I enter my own recipes. So, even my grandmothers secret recipe for melt in your mouth caramels is now broken down into serving sizes and calorie counts. It would be SO easy not to record what I'm eating, all the little incidentals that go into my mouth as the day goes on. I could justify it. Especially since I really don't believe anyone but me looks at my food journal. But what would that accomplish? I'd be lying. Lying to myself. Guess what? Lying to myself is what got me to the 275 pound mark in the first place. So, if I have a day that I eat 2600 calories (Thanksgiving) I record it. All of it. Judging it, or hiding it has no merit. It is what it is.

I chose to be public with my journey mostly to keep myself on track. I knew that if others were watching my progress I wouldn't want to disappoint. I also chose to do this all my way. I found a little over a year ago that I have major control issues (whodathunk?) and I'd been giving my control away to anyone and everyone who would take it. Counting calories, exercising, and doing it all on my own terms has been empowering. I found that I had almost all the tools I needed to start already, so I just pieced things together, rather than follow Jenny Craig, or Weight Watchers, or even The Biggest Loser (which I still love and wish Jillian could come and kick my ass every once in a while).

I feel as though I'm at a junction, and it's time to make some other commitment. I get to step up my fitness routine (obviously) and start working on my core. I'm looking at a half marathon in July in Bryce Canyon. My Sister-in-law may run it with me. It's time to LIVE.

On a non-weight related issue, the holidays have me stressed out. I feel like I do a pretty good job taking care of my kids, and they dont go without much. There's nothing like an 8 year old girls Christmas wish list to put all that in perspective. So... Come to the boutique, buy some of my goodies, so my pricess can have a couple of things on her list. :)

Thanks for reading, Much LOVE,

Alisha

Time Off

2010-11-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

It's my first day back at work after 5 days off. I wish I could report that I was doing something fun, but, I had my wisdom teeth pulled last Thursday. It's still a little tender, but I think I'm pretty lucky considering I didn't swell up like a chipmunk storing food for the winter.

In between bouts of lortab induced delirium (and sometimes in the midst of them) I was able to get my house clean and my laundry done. It was also nice to spend the time with my kids. My daughter had Thursday and Friday off from school, so we had lots of family together time. I think the words I used were "blissfully domestic" to which my good friend and co-worker replied my brain must be rotting away from the lortab. She may be right.

I also discovered baking with splenda. I made these super yummy banana chocolate chip cookies. At only 107 calories each (instead of 140 if I'd have used sugar). It's nice to have a treat to satify my sweet tooth. Now if I could find a suitable substitute for the butter, and a good sugar free chocolate chip (I know I may be dreaming).

Banana Cookies
yield: 24 cookies
350 degreesn 15 minutes

1/2 cup butter
1 cup splenda
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup mashed bananas
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup all purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 pinch salt
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon cloves
1 cup chocolate chips

Cream together the butter and splenda, add the egg and vanilla. Add the baking soda to the banana and let it fizz a bit, then add it to the butter mixture. Combine the dry ingredients and mix into the wet stuff just until it's combined then fold in the chips. BTW, you can eliminate 25 calories per cookie by taking out the chips, but who wants to do that? Drop them by spoonfuls onto parchment lined cookie sheet, bake, and enjoy!

My daughter and her friend both loved them, so, they passed the ultimate 8 year old test. :)

Much love,
Alisha

Time Flies

2010-11-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

From June to November, where did all that time go! Oh yes, I remember now. I was running, and biking, and playing with my kids, and of course working!

I have truly taken on this healthy lifestyle, and I'm loving it! My weight today is 185 pounds. I have let go of 90 pounds since May 1, 2010. I feel fantastic!

People ask me what I'm doing, what I'm taking, if there is a miracle cure. I'm not taking any diet meds. I'm not on any program, I'm not looking for a cure. I count calories. I keep them between 1000 and 1200 per day. I use http://www.fatsecret.com/ religiously. I love this website. Not only can I put in my own recipes, there is a huge database of other peoples recipes as well. There is an app for my smartphone, as well as a facebook app. This means that no matter where I go, or what I'm doing, I have access to an accurate calorie counter.

I eat fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, heart healthy carbs. I do not starve. If I am hungry I eat. If I want a piece of cake, I have a small piece of cake instead of 1/2 the cake like I did before. I exercise. I've found a fondness for running, and enjoy riding a bike. I've recently added Zumba to my weekly work outs, and I'll start core strengthening sometime in the near future.

I think for me making the decision to make it fun was and still is, the key. I have always had a love affair with food. I think about it constantly. What has changed however is what I think about preparing. I am constantly looking for and coming up with healthy recipes. I love it when I create entire meals that are 400 calories or less. They taste good to boot!

WWJD

2010-06-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

No matter what you believe about the death penalty, I find it hard to believe that it would be easy, or enjoyable to witness someone executed. What brings this up? Today Ronnie Lee Gardner was put to death by firing squad in Utah.

Having just read an article by a salt lake tribune reporter who was an eye witness, I find tears in my eyes. Tears shed for this reporter, as I am sure the images he describes so vividly will remain with him for the rest of his life. Tears for the loss of another human's life. Though, one would beg the question, isn't society better off without someone like this? What quality of life did this man live, what did he contribute to the greater good? I know the horrible things he did. I get why he was killed. I wonder what made him choose the firing squad as his chosen method to leave this life?

This brings to mind a question in which I have no answer for, and since I believe there is perfect order in all things, I get to trust that universal order is at work here. For those who believe in God, and Jesus, and in their daily lives ask themselves, "what would Jesus do" I wonder... what would Jesus do in the same situation? There are those who would say an eye for an eye (after all that is in the bible, right?) but what about turning the other cheek? Forgiving? and above all, judge not that ye be not judged? I am in no way a biblical scholar, but I don't recall any accounts of Jesus' life in which he said put that man to death, he's evil and deserves to die. The stories say he walked among the sinners. He taught a way that was full of light, and love. Would Jesus support the death penalty?

I don't know. I'm not even sure it truly matters. There is a system for justice, and there are laws in place in order to maintain a certain quality of life. I suppose if someone has filled their body with darkness, that in order to maintain this balance, something must be done. Maybe removal from the planet is the only option. I really can't say what I believe at this moment. A few years ago, I was a firm believer in the death penalty. As I grow older, I find myself wondering, is it for me to judge or for me to decide? I'd rather not.

What's the point to this rant? There really isn't one. I am grateful that it was not my decision to commit the crimes that Gardner did. I am grateful that it was not my decision to prosecute Gardner in the way he was. I am grateful I did not have to decide how this man would die. I am grateful there was someone else to decide to pull the trigger. I am very grateful I was not there to witness his last words and breathe.

With that, I'll let this go.

Peace be with you,
xoxoxo

Stalled

2010-06-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

The last week has pretty much been a wash, I traveled for work on Wednesday. I had the oportunity to see some amazing people speak at a motivational seminar in Salt Lake City. I listened to people like Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, Zig Ziglar, Apolo Anton Ohno, John Walsh, Sarah Palin, and General Colin Powel, all in one day! I'm working on putting together a little essay on what I got from each of these speakers, so look for it in future posts.

Because of the long travel day (and the not so great for my waistline things that I ate) my weight yo-yo'd right around 245 all week. I'm happy to report that this morning the scale smiled a pleasant 243.6 up at me. I'm crossing my fingers that the plateau is broken.

I've got a bike now, as do both of my children. If I can get my daughter to have the courage to ride hers I think we could do small family outings on the bikes. I'm looking forward to it. I also want to get a baby seat for the back of my bike, that way I can take my son on longer rides.

Most of the past week I did not work out either. My knees were very swollen and sore, and the ankle that I twisted was irritated. Those are the excuses that I used anyway. That being said, this is a new week, and a new moment, and I re-commit in this moment to getting every available workout this week.

until later.
xoxoxo

Weighing in

2010-05-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

250.0 this morning! I'm so very excited! I started really keeping track a month ago, and in that month I have let go of 25 pounds! I'm watching what I eat, counting calories (which I say again, is suprisingly easy) check out http://www.fatsecret.com/ Their website is easy to use, and they have an app for most smart phones. I'm now walking 4 miles most every day. I'm jogging parts of this walk, and I'm able to do it in about an hour.

I'm meeting with challenges along the way. One such challenge is actually my 8 year old daughter. She doesn't enjoy the time that I spend walking. I attempted to have her and my 2 year old son come along on a walk the other day. We went to the local high school running track. I let the kids loose in the grassy area of the football field. My 2 year old was in 7th heaven, running up and down the field, playing in the sand of the pole vaulty place. My 8 year old was miserable. "There's nothing to do!" "I'm BORED" "Mom, Stop please!" Needless to say I wasn't really able to focus on the exercise portion of the walk, and she won... I'm going to do it again this week, on one of my days off. I get to do this. Not only for me, but for her. I could go back to that sedentary mom she is used to, but I wouldn't be around for her to be used to if I do.

Meal planning is also a challenge for me. I'm ok with breakfasts, I can always find something that is good for me and healthy to have in the morning. My problems come in at lunch time, when I've failed to prepare my lunch for the day, and I'm at work. I'm not typically making enough dinner to have left overs, which in a way is good, because I don't enjoy left overs most of the time. BUT, this leaves me scrambling to find something, or, in most cases going out for a subway sandwich. I'm getting tired of those, so I truly deserve to get off my arse and get the lunch thing figured out.

I've also been posting my exercise and some of my meals to my facebook status. I've never posted my starting weight. Having hit the 25 pound mark, I really want to, and I really don't want to post my starting weight. Part of me thinks go ahead do it, I was trying to be on the biggest loser, where the nation could see it, what's a couple hundred of my closest friends? There is still the other part of me, slightly embarassed by the fact that I've gotten so large, that doesnt' want to admit to the world how much I weighed, and still weigh.

That's funny, it's not like they can't see it! It's in the spare tire I carry around my waiste, and in the extra chin I have perched right there under my first one.

Also, I want to make it clear. I am doing all of this because I LOVE ME! I looked in the mirror one day, even in all of my extra baggage glory, and I saw that spark I'd buried. I saw that piece of the Divine that I hold, that is only mine. I decided at that point to honor my I AM. Treat this body I've been given with respect. I DID NOT, look in the mirror and decide to change because I was repulsed or othewise disgusted with my appearance. I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to see my children grow up, I deserve to play with grandchildren one day. I deserve to have a love relationship in my life. I deserve to have a body that can keep up with all the adventures I can imagine. All these things are mine. I'm just claiming them now.

xoxoxo

2010-05-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

Eek! I was going to post the new weight on Sunday... Tuesday is close enough, Right? Well, of course it is, because it's my blog! so there! :D

Sunday morning I stepped on the scales and was met with a LOVELY 255 lbs. For those of you keeping track, that is 20 lbs difference! Can I get a hell yah! a huzzah! a woot woot!

Maybe it's a little overboard, but I'm very excited about this change! I'm hoping it continues along this path. I'll post new measurements as soon as I take them... and I'll post the old ones too, just for comparison.

Until then... xoxo

I go out walking...

2010-05-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't go out walking yesterday. I used the excuse that it was too windy. Well it was VERY windy, but I still could have gone out walking. Eh, it's the past, and what is it the Pumba from the lion king says, the past is in your behind? Something like that.

So, in this moment, I recommit to my walk. I'll take my children to their grandparents house and I will walk. I may even jog if my lungs aren't killing me. I want to be able to run. I've never been a runner, but I dream of running.

This morning was a pretty significant milestone. Wanna know what it was? Too bad, going to tell you anyway. But first, a little background. Last September my mother and I took a trip to Vegas, a girls only trip, to celebrate our birthdays. While we were there we went shopping (duh, right?) Well, I got brand new bras. Let me tell you this is no small feat when you are a big girl, and even worse when you are a big girl with little boobs. So, we 're perusing the racks at Lane Bryant, and I ask for a bra fitting. Much to my shock and horror, I am told I am a 46 to 48 B. Well, the bras at LB are generous, and they actually go up to a 44 in the styles that come in B cup. hmm... what to do with those extra 4 inches? Squeeze them into the bra, and have the sides roll up on me and not be able to breath? Go without a bra? Wear sports bras and have "uniboob" for the rest of my life. NO I SAY! I bought bra extenders. You know, those things you clip on the back of your bra to make them wider. Yeah.

Today, I measured my rib cage. 44 inches. Yes, this is still large, however, my bras now fit, with out this extender nonsense! I'm feeling free and confindent in my 44B sans extender today. I'm a sexy biotch!

New Beginnings, and Updates...

2010-05-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

This time around I started my journey with my weight at 275 pounds. Nearly the largest I have ever been, which was 288 pounds. But, once my body gets this large, what's plus or minus 13 pounds, right?

I detest traditional dieting, I've been very resistant to counting calories. I thought I could just watch what I ate, maybe have smaller portions and everything would work out in the end, the weight would eventually come off. I think, it may be possible, that I was wrong.

I still won't do a "diet" someone elses plan to lose weight, but I am counting calories. I cannot explain the level of accountability knowing that I am going to be recording everything that I eat. Now instead of "mmm... that looks good, think I'll eat it," I think "hmm... I wonder how many calories that is, and if it's worth it, and do I really want to admit to myself that I ate it?" If it's good for me, the answer is yes. If it's bad for me, well, sometimes the answer is still yes, but in MUCH less quantity.

I tend to think that the things we create to be better for us than the real thing (IE equal, in place of sugar, or margarine in place of butter) really aren't better for us than the real thing. I believe the key must be moderation. I used equal, or splenda, but sparingly, the same way I've come to use sugar.

It's been about a month now that I've really been watching what I eat, tracking calories, making sure I'm getting some form of exercise, and I have gotten rid of some weight... How much? I'll let you know on Sunday when I weigh... but I think you may be suprised...

Until then...

what's new

2010-01-12T23:28:00.000-08:00

I suck at this blogging thing, but I'm not going to give up on it. So, it'll just be what it is, hit and miss.

It's been one of those days. You know the ones, the ones where you know you have a bajillion things to get done, and yet none of it happens. Tomorrow is a day off work, which means I'll get to use it working around the house, just to keep my head above water.

Most days feel like I'm treading water, and just about to drown, today was kinda like that. The weightloss thing hasn't really started for me. I haven't the motivation. I can barely find the motivation for the necessities of life. Oh they get done, and my children are well cared for, but at the end of the day I feel like there's nothing left for me.

Guilt plays a huge role in not exercising. I feel guilty for not doing it, and guilty if I take the time to do it. I could start that running program, but if I did either I'd have to bundle up the not quite 2 year old, and jog behind the stroller in freezing weather, or take him to the babysitter in order to go to the gym (which costs money) or run out in the cold myself. God I sound so pitiful.

So what can I do. I can start eating better, eating fresh, not processed foods, cook more. I think my kids would like that. Ok, my son would like that, my daughter will most likely have a cow, she's become accustomed to processed foods, and will not eat many things that are good for her. Luckily she's got her dad's metabolism.

So, the buttons on my uniform shirt are still a little stressed, my jeans are still size 22/24 and kinda tight, my shirts aren't always long enough to hide my gut when I lift my arms, and I mostly just want to crawl back in to bed and forget this every happened.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Thing is I know that I'm in control of all of this. I deserve to find the time to be with myself, to meditate, to connect with sorce. I get to remember to walk with my head high, facing the world, not looking at my shoe laces.

Day two

2010-01-02T20:39:00.000-08:00

of the blog that is. I've been super cranky today, Almost on the verge of tears? Why? I could say I don't know, but the truth of the matter is that the list is long, and full of self pitty. So I'll spare the details and sum it up.

While I DO know who I AM, and in the big picture I also know why I'm here. In this moment I feel not enough. All aspects of my life I feel I fall short. I know, waa waaa waaa-mbulance.

On the weight front, I still had a pepsi today, but I didn't get coffee to go to work with. I've had my eight 8 oz glasses of water, and I'm currently working on 20 oz more. So, yay for me!

Work with two of my favorite co-workers is nice. I get to come, and talk, laugh, and be serious almost simultaneously. 911 dispatchers I think may have to have some sort of split personality, to be able to switch off the gales of laughter in an instant to soberly answer the phone for someones possible emergency. Since I took this job a little over 2 years ago, I've put on about 50 pounds. I was pregnant with my son when I started, so I'm not actually counting the baby weight. After I had him, and before I returned to work, I was able to take some of the weight off, but then once I returned to work the size of my waisteband has grown exponentially. The job is mostly sedentary, ok, all sedentary. When the phone rings or when a person has "that tone" in their voice, the one that lets you know they're in crisis, it truly gets the blood pumping. My adrenaline spikes and I have no outlet for the energy, so, barring getting up and running around the room, somewhat like a chicken with her head cut off, I have turned to food. I bring it with me, I share it. I EAT it. All the time.

Like I said, the lover that doesn't leave. It loves me at work, it loves me at home, it loves me when I'm with others and when I'm alone. And... I think... it prefers me fat. LOL...

And so it begins...

2010-01-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

January 1, 2010. I've decided not to make any resolutions this year, because in some way making a resolution seems to be giving myself a way out of whatever it is that deserves to be corrected, and or, that I desire to change about the coming year. After all, resolutions are ment to be broken, aren't they?

So instead I've decided to start by just being straighforward and honest. I'm 36 years old, I live alone with my two beautiful children, my house is perpetually messy, I don't necessarily think it's dirty, but cluttered and unkept is probably a lot more accurate. My children for the most part know that they are loved.

I'm obese. Yup, I'm a fatty. I currently weigh a whopping 275 pounds. This is nearly the biggest I've ever been, though once I get this big what's another 13 pounds right? So this is the big thing that I want to let go of in the next year. It may prove to be difficult, as I love food. And, on that same note, food, apparently loves me. It sticks to me everywhere. Actually, I've come to think of food as a lover that never leaves. It's there when I'm in a mood, whatever mood that may be. It's there when I'm bored. It's there when I'm anxious, nervous or tired. I'm kind of an addictive personality, and well, my vice at this point is food. So, I'm going to work on letting go of my lover that never leaves. Not that I'm giving up food, just that I'm giving up being fat. I'm turning it over to the universe to better serve someone who could use a little fat on their bones. How am I going to do this? I'm not sure of the method, but I'm committing now to get it done. I've copied the Couch to 5K running plan, and I'd like to get started on that soon. I'm participating in a healthy lifestyle "contest" of sorts through my employer. I've contemplated auditioning to be on "The Biggest Loser."

SO... I'm going to take my first step and start drinking water. I've cat about 40 ounces today, and one can of Pepsi *my ultimate drink of choice. I'm not ready to give it back up, so I'm not going to make myself. I'm just going to start drinking water, and work from there.

I'll keep track of my progress here. I'm going to make myself accountable to me, and to whomever decides to read this. Admitting just how much I weigh is a huge risk for me and I'm putting it out there that I find supporters who will cheer me on, but not judge me as I stumble through this.

Thanks for reading.