WWJD

No matter what you believe about the death penalty, I find it hard to believe that it would be easy, or enjoyable to witness someone executed.  What brings this up? Today Ronnie Lee Gardner was put to death by firing squad in Utah.

Having just read an article by a salt lake tribune reporter who was an eye witness, I find tears in my eyes. Tears shed for this reporter, as I am sure the images he describes so vividly will remain with him for the rest of his life. Tears for the loss of another human's life. Though, one would beg the question, isn't society better off without someone like this? What quality of life did this man live, what did he contribute to the greater good? I know the horrible things he did. I get why he was killed. I wonder what made him choose the firing squad as his chosen method to leave this life?

This brings to mind a question in which I have no answer for, and since I believe there is perfect order in all things, I get to trust that universal order is at work here. For those who believe in God, and Jesus, and in their daily lives ask themselves, "what would Jesus do" I wonder... what would Jesus do in the same situation?  There are those who would say an eye for an eye (after all that is in the bible, right?) but what about turning the other cheek? Forgiving? and above all, judge not that ye be not judged? I am in no way a biblical scholar, but I don't recall any accounts of Jesus' life in which he said put that man to death, he's evil and deserves to die. The stories say he walked among the sinners. He taught a way that was full of light, and love. Would Jesus support the death penalty?

I don't know. I'm not even sure it truly matters. There is a system for justice, and there are laws in place in order to maintain a certain quality of life. I suppose if someone has filled their body with darkness, that in order to maintain this balance, something must be done. Maybe removal from the planet is the only option. I really can't say what I believe at this moment. A few years ago, I was a firm believer in the death penalty. As I grow older, I find myself wondering, is it for me to judge or for me to decide? I'd rather not.

What's the point to this rant? There really isn't one. I am grateful that it was not my decision to commit the crimes that Gardner did. I am grateful that it was not my decision to prosecute Gardner in the way he was. I am grateful I did not have to decide how this man would die. I am grateful there was someone else to decide to pull the trigger. I am very grateful I was not there to witness his last words and breathe.

With that, I'll let this go.

Peace be with you,
xoxoxo

Stalled

The last week has pretty much been a wash, I traveled for work on Wednesday. I had the oportunity to see some amazing people speak at a motivational seminar in Salt Lake City. I listened to people like Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, Zig Ziglar, Apolo Anton Ohno, John Walsh, Sarah Palin, and General Colin Powel, all in one day! I'm working on putting together a little essay on what I got from each of these speakers, so look for it in future posts.

Because of the long travel day (and the not so great for my waistline things that I ate) my weight yo-yo'd right around 245 all week. I'm happy to report that this morning the scale smiled a pleasant 243.6 up at me. I'm crossing my fingers that the plateau is broken.

I've got a bike now, as do both of my children. If I can get my daughter to have the courage to ride hers I think we could do small family outings on the bikes. I'm looking forward to it. I also want to get a baby seat for the back of my bike, that way I can take my son on longer rides.

Most of the past week I did not work out either. My knees were very swollen and sore, and the ankle that I twisted was irritated. Those are the excuses that I used anyway. That being said, this is a new week, and a new moment, and I re-commit in this moment to getting every available workout this week.

until later.
xoxoxo

Weighing in

250.0 this morning! I'm so very excited! I started really keeping track a month ago, and in that month I have let go of 25 pounds! I'm watching what I eat, counting calories (which I say again, is suprisingly easy) check out http://www.fatsecret.com/ Their website is easy to use, and they have an app for most smart phones. I'm now walking 4 miles most every day. I'm jogging parts of this walk, and I'm able to do it in about an hour.

I'm meeting with challenges along the way. One such challenge is actually my 8 year old daughter. She doesn't enjoy the time that I spend walking. I attempted to have her and my 2 year old son come along on a walk the other day. We went to the local high school running track. I let the kids loose in the grassy area of the football field. My 2 year old was in 7th heaven, running up and down the field, playing in the sand of the pole vaulty place. My 8 year old was miserable. "There's nothing to do!" "I'm BORED" "Mom, Stop please!" Needless to say I wasn't really able to focus on the exercise portion of the walk, and she won... I'm going to do it again this week, on one of my days off. I get to do this. Not only for me, but for her. I could go back to that sedentary mom she is used to, but I wouldn't be around for her to be used to if I do.

Meal planning is also a challenge for me. I'm ok with breakfasts, I can always find something that is good for me and healthy to have in the morning. My problems come in at lunch time, when I've failed to prepare my lunch for the day, and I'm at work. I'm not typically making enough dinner to have left overs, which in a way is good, because I don't enjoy left overs most of the time. BUT, this leaves me scrambling to find something, or, in most cases going out for a subway sandwich. I'm getting tired of those, so I truly deserve to get off my arse and get the lunch thing figured out.

I've also been posting my exercise and some of my meals to my facebook status. I've never posted my starting weight. Having hit the 25 pound mark, I really want to, and I really don't want to post my starting weight. Part of me thinks go ahead do it, I was trying to be on the biggest loser, where the nation could see it, what's a couple hundred of my closest friends? There is still the other part of me, slightly embarassed by the fact that I've gotten so large, that doesnt' want to admit to the world how much I weighed, and still weigh.

That's funny, it's not like they can't see it! It's in the spare tire I carry around my waiste, and in the extra chin I have perched right there under my first one.

Also, I want to make it clear. I am doing all of this because I LOVE ME! I looked in the mirror one day, even in all of my extra baggage glory, and I saw that spark I'd buried. I saw that piece of the Divine that I hold, that is only mine. I decided at that point to honor my I AM. Treat this body I've been given with respect. I DID NOT, look in the mirror and decide to change because I was repulsed or othewise disgusted with my appearance. I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to see my children grow up, I deserve to play with grandchildren one day. I deserve to have a love relationship in my life. I deserve to have a body that can keep up with all the adventures I can imagine. All these things are mine. I'm just claiming them now.

xoxoxo

Eek! I was going to post the new weight on Sunday... Tuesday is close enough, Right? Well, of course it is, because it's my blog! so there!  :D

Sunday morning I stepped on the scales and was met with a LOVELY 255 lbs. For those of you keeping track, that is 20 lbs difference! Can I get a hell yah! a huzzah! a woot woot! 

Maybe it's a little overboard, but I'm very excited about this change! I'm hoping it continues along this path. I'll post new measurements as soon as I take them... and I'll post the old ones too, just for comparison.

Until then... xoxo

I go out walking...

Well, I didn't go out walking yesterday. I used the excuse that it was too windy.  Well it was VERY windy, but I still could have gone out walking. Eh, it's the past, and what is it the Pumba from the lion king says, the past is in your behind? Something like that.

So, in this moment, I recommit to my walk. I'll take my children to their grandparents house and I will walk. I may even jog if my lungs aren't killing me. I want to be able to run. I've never been a runner, but I dream of running.

This morning was a pretty significant milestone. Wanna know what it was? Too bad, going to tell you anyway. But first, a little background. Last September my mother and I took a trip to Vegas, a girls only trip, to celebrate our birthdays. While we were there we went shopping (duh, right?) Well, I got brand new bras. Let me tell you this is no small feat when you are a big girl, and even worse when you are a big girl with little boobs. So, we 're perusing the racks at Lane Bryant, and I ask for a bra fitting. Much to my shock and horror, I am told I am a 46 to 48 B. Well, the bras at LB are generous, and they actually go up to a 44 in the styles that come in B cup. hmm... what to do with those extra 4 inches? Squeeze them into the bra, and have the sides roll up on me and not be able to breath? Go without a bra? Wear sports bras and have "uniboob" for the rest of my life. NO I SAY! I bought bra extenders. You know, those things you clip on the back of your bra to make them wider. Yeah.

Today, I measured my rib cage. 44 inches. Yes, this is still large, however, my bras now fit, with out this extender nonsense! I'm feeling free and confindent in my 44B sans extender today. I'm a sexy biotch!

New Beginnings, and Updates...

This time around I started my journey with my weight at 275 pounds. Nearly the largest I have ever been, which was 288 pounds. But, once my body gets this large, what's plus or minus 13 pounds, right?

I detest traditional dieting, I've been very resistant to counting calories. I thought I could just watch what I ate, maybe have smaller portions and everything would work out in the end, the weight would eventually come off. I think, it may be possible, that I was wrong.

I still won't do a "diet" someone elses plan to lose weight, but I am counting calories. I cannot explain the level of accountability knowing that I am going to be recording everything that I eat. Now instead of "mmm... that looks good, think I'll eat it," I think "hmm... I wonder how many calories that is, and if it's worth it, and do I really want to admit to myself that I ate it?" If it's good for me, the answer is yes. If it's bad for me, well, sometimes the answer is still yes, but in MUCH less quantity.

I tend to think that the things we create to be better for us than the real thing (IE equal, in place of sugar, or margarine in place of butter) really aren't better for us than the real thing. I believe the key must be moderation. I used equal, or splenda, but sparingly, the same way I've come to use sugar.

It's been about a month now that I've really been watching what I eat, tracking calories, making sure I'm getting some form of exercise, and I have gotten rid of some weight... How much?  I'll let you know on Sunday when I weigh... but I think you may be suprised...

Until then...

what's new

I suck at this blogging thing, but I'm not going to give up on it. So, it'll just be what it is, hit and miss.

It's been one of those days. You know the ones, the ones where you know you have a bajillion things to get done, and yet none of it happens. Tomorrow is a day off work, which means I'll get to use it working around the house, just to keep my head above water.

Most days feel like I'm treading water, and just about to drown, today was kinda like that. The weightloss thing hasn't really started for me. I haven't the motivation. I can barely find the motivation for the necessities of life. Oh they get done, and my children are well cared for, but at the end of the day I feel like there's nothing left for me.

Guilt plays a huge role in not exercising. I feel guilty for not doing it, and guilty if I take the time to do it. I could start that running program, but if I did either I'd have to bundle up the not quite 2 year old, and jog behind the stroller in freezing weather, or take him to the babysitter in order to go to the gym (which costs money) or run out in the cold myself. God I sound so pitiful.

So what can I do. I can start eating better, eating fresh, not processed foods, cook more. I think my kids would like that. Ok, my son would like that, my daughter will most likely have a cow, she's become accustomed to processed foods, and will not eat many things that are good for her. Luckily she's got her dad's metabolism.

So, the buttons on my uniform shirt are still a little stressed, my jeans are still size 22/24 and kinda tight, my shirts aren't always long enough to hide my gut when I lift my arms, and I mostly just want to crawl back in to bed and forget this every happened.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.  Thing is I know that I'm in control of all of this. I deserve to find the time to be with myself, to meditate, to connect with sorce. I get to remember to walk with my head high, facing the world, not looking at my shoe laces.