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I suck at this blogging thing, but I'm not going to give up on it. So, it'll just be what it is, hit and miss.

It's been one of those days. You know the ones, the ones where you know you have a bajillion things to get done, and yet none of it happens. Tomorrow is a day off work, which means I'll get to use it working around the house, just to keep my head above water.

Most days feel like I'm treading water, and just about to drown, today was kinda like that. The weightloss thing hasn't really started for me. I haven't the motivation. I can barely find the motivation for the necessities of life. Oh they get done, and my children are well cared for, but at the end of the day I feel like there's nothing left for me.

Guilt plays a huge role in not exercising. I feel guilty for not doing it, and guilty if I take the time to do it. I could start that running program, but if I did either I'd have to bundle up the not quite 2 year old, and jog behind the stroller in freezing weather, or take him to the babysitter in order to go to the gym (which costs money) or run out in the cold myself. God I sound so pitiful.

So what can I do. I can start eating better, eating fresh, not processed foods, cook more. I think my kids would like that. Ok, my son would like that, my daughter will most likely have a cow, she's become accustomed to processed foods, and will not eat many things that are good for her. Luckily she's got her dad's metabolism.

So, the buttons on my uniform shirt are still a little stressed, my jeans are still size 22/24 and kinda tight, my shirts aren't always long enough to hide my gut when I lift my arms, and I mostly just want to crawl back in to bed and forget this every happened.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.  Thing is I know that I'm in control of all of this. I deserve to find the time to be with myself, to meditate, to connect with sorce. I get to remember to walk with my head high, facing the world, not looking at my shoe laces.