Tuesday, January 12, 2010

what's new

I suck at this blogging thing, but I'm not going to give up on it. So, it'll just be what it is, hit and miss.

It's been one of those days. You know the ones, the ones where you know you have a bajillion things to get done, and yet none of it happens. Tomorrow is a day off work, which means I'll get to use it working around the house, just to keep my head above water.

Most days feel like I'm treading water, and just about to drown, today was kinda like that. The weightloss thing hasn't really started for me. I haven't the motivation. I can barely find the motivation for the necessities of life. Oh they get done, and my children are well cared for, but at the end of the day I feel like there's nothing left for me.

Guilt plays a huge role in not exercising. I feel guilty for not doing it, and guilty if I take the time to do it. I could start that running program, but if I did either I'd have to bundle up the not quite 2 year old, and jog behind the stroller in freezing weather, or take him to the babysitter in order to go to the gym (which costs money) or run out in the cold myself. God I sound so pitiful.

So what can I do. I can start eating better, eating fresh, not processed foods, cook more. I think my kids would like that. Ok, my son would like that, my daughter will most likely have a cow, she's become accustomed to processed foods, and will not eat many things that are good for her. Luckily she's got her dad's metabolism.

So, the buttons on my uniform shirt are still a little stressed, my jeans are still size 22/24 and kinda tight, my shirts aren't always long enough to hide my gut when I lift my arms, and I mostly just want to crawl back in to bed and forget this every happened.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.  Thing is I know that I'm in control of all of this. I deserve to find the time to be with myself, to meditate, to connect with sorce. I get to remember to walk with my head high, facing the world, not looking at my shoe laces.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Day two

of the blog that is. I've been super cranky today, Almost on the verge of tears? Why? I could say I don't know, but the truth of the matter is that the list is long, and full of self pitty. So I'll spare the details and sum it up.

While I DO know who I AM, and in the big picture I also know why I'm here. In this moment I feel not enough. All aspects of my life I feel I fall short.  I know, waa waaa waaa-mbulance.

On the weight front, I still had a pepsi today, but I didn't get coffee to go to work with. I've had my eight 8 oz glasses of water, and I'm currently working on 20 oz more. So, yay for me!

Work with two of my favorite co-workers is nice. I get to come, and talk, laugh, and be serious almost simultaneously. 911 dispatchers I think may have to have some sort of split personality, to be able to switch off the gales of laughter in an instant to soberly answer the phone for someones possible emergency. Since I took this job a little over 2 years ago, I've put on about 50 pounds. I was pregnant with my son when I started, so I'm not actually counting the baby weight. After I had him, and before I returned to work, I was able to take some of the weight off, but then once I returned to work the size of my waisteband has grown exponentially. The job is mostly sedentary, ok, all sedentary. When the phone rings or when a person has "that tone" in their voice, the one that lets you know they're in crisis, it truly gets the blood pumping. My adrenaline spikes and I have no outlet for the energy, so, barring getting up and running around the room, somewhat like a chicken with her head cut off, I have turned to food. I bring it with me, I share it. I EAT it.  All the time.

Like I said, the lover that doesn't leave. It loves me at work, it loves me at home, it loves me when I'm with others and when I'm alone. And... I think... it prefers me fat.  LOL...

Friday, January 1, 2010

And so it begins...

January 1, 2010. I've decided not to make any resolutions this year, because in some way making a resolution seems to be giving myself a way out of whatever it is that deserves to be corrected, and or, that I desire to change about the coming year. After all, resolutions are ment to be broken, aren't they?

So instead I've decided to start by just being straighforward and honest. I'm 36 years old, I live alone with my two beautiful children, my house is perpetually messy, I don't necessarily think it's dirty, but cluttered and unkept is probably a lot more accurate. My children for the most part know that they are loved.

I'm obese. Yup, I'm a fatty. I currently weigh a whopping 275 pounds. This is nearly the biggest I've ever been, though once I get this big what's another 13 pounds right? So this is the big thing that I want to let go of in the next year. It may prove to be difficult, as I love food. And, on that same note, food, apparently loves me. It sticks to me everywhere. Actually, I've come to think of food as a lover that never leaves. It's there when I'm in a mood, whatever mood that may be. It's there when I'm bored. It's there when I'm anxious, nervous or tired. I'm kind of an addictive personality, and well, my vice at this point is food. So, I'm going to work on letting go of my lover that never leaves. Not that I'm giving up food, just that I'm giving up being fat. I'm turning it over to the universe to better serve someone who could use a little fat on their bones. How am I going to do this? I'm not sure of the method, but I'm committing now to get it done. I've copied the Couch to 5K running plan, and I'd like to get started on that soon. I'm participating in a healthy lifestyle "contest" of sorts through my employer. I've contemplated auditioning to be on "The Biggest Loser."

SO... I'm going to take my first step and start drinking water. I've cat about 40 ounces today, and one can of Pepsi *my ultimate drink of choice. I'm not ready to give it back up, so I'm not going to make myself. I'm just going to start drinking water, and work from there.

I'll keep track of my progress here. I'm going to make myself accountable to me, and to whomever decides to read this. Admitting just how much I weigh is a huge risk for me and I'm putting it out there that I find supporters who will cheer me on, but not judge me as I stumble through this.

Thanks for reading.