Not a whole lot has changed since my last post. I have done a lot of soul searching. Looking for that thing, that belief that is holding me back. Today I more deeply realized something I've known for a while. I don't complete things.
All sorts of things. Everything from the afghan I started crocheting when my son was still enutero, to my associates degree. I get so close to goals that I can taste them and then I don't finish. That chapter of my life gets to come to a close. It must.
I recently helped organize a 5k race, the proceeds went to an amazing charity. Pennies For Heroes. When you have a chance please check them out, they are an amazing organization, with a vision to assist the families of fallen officers, soldiers, and firefighters.
While organizing this event I felt great, the closer to completion that we got the more nervous I got. I wanted to quit. I had a heart to heart with another of the organizers. I confided in him that I had done my life up until this point "half assed" and it was time that I showed the world, and myself, that I am no longer that woman. That I see things through, that I am a success, not "almost" a success.
That's where I am with this weight journey. I've been within 20 pounds of the goal, gotten scared, started eating somewhat like I used to, stopped the food journal, slacked at the gym. Now, I'm back to with in 30 pounds of the goal.
The difference is that I SEE IT this time. I am finding what my triggers are and how I have traditionally dealt with them. I'm now finding new ways to deal with them. Things that are positive and reinforcing to the life I deserve. I know the importance of recommitting. I also know that it doesn't matter where I've been, or how much I've accomplished, what truly matters is what I'm doing right now.
I am going to have a celebration of my life, and a welcoming of my new life. I am going to do this when I reach my goal weight of 135 pounds.
Another thing I've never been particularly fond of is written goals. A friend told me today that goals, not written down, are nothing but wishes. I hadn't ever thought of it that way. But found it to be profound, and absolutely true.
So, what are my new goals, and am I writing them down, am I clear and consise? Am I committed? Am I ready to take massive action? YES! YES! YES!
I am going to have my party on or before September 17th, 2011. In the time between now and then I am going to release the last 30 pounds to my goal weight. I am going to stare this Queen of Almost in the face, and CHANGE HER STORY.
I'm starting now.
Love,
Alisha
xoxoxoxo
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Breakdown, to break through!
The last 20 pounds are the hardest. not because I have to do anything different, but because outside influences say I look good, even question why I would want to keep going. It makes slipping into unhealthy ways of being and eating easy and very temping.
I extend an apology to every skinny girl out there who I ever encouraged to take another donut, or some other"treat" from the goodie box in the break room, telling her she needed it, or saying one more won't hurt you, because the truth of the matter is it will.
It is also at this point that people no longer want to hear the story. The celebrations are fewer and farther between. They are still supportive but the Response changes, from you can do it, you're on the right track, keep it up! To you've done it, look how far you've come, give yourself a break. I gave myself a break and had a breakdown. That is where this is coming from. The past 3 days have been a continual spiral downward. Fueled by whatever I wanted, and somethings I truly didn't want, sugar, white flour, fat, simple carbs. I was Trying to feel full. My tank has hit empty, and the worst part about it is that for 3 days I haven't been satisfied. I'm never full, even though I've got pain in my belly that says I'm overly full.
Recommitting in this moment looks like finding the reason for the void, and filling it to over flowing with love and gratitude. The brownies are gone, the cookies, and the donuts are too. Time to peel back another layer, dig a little deeper, and create something bigger.
I extend an apology to every skinny girl out there who I ever encouraged to take another donut, or some other"treat" from the goodie box in the break room, telling her she needed it, or saying one more won't hurt you, because the truth of the matter is it will.
It is also at this point that people no longer want to hear the story. The celebrations are fewer and farther between. They are still supportive but the Response changes, from you can do it, you're on the right track, keep it up! To you've done it, look how far you've come, give yourself a break. I gave myself a break and had a breakdown. That is where this is coming from. The past 3 days have been a continual spiral downward. Fueled by whatever I wanted, and somethings I truly didn't want, sugar, white flour, fat, simple carbs. I was Trying to feel full. My tank has hit empty, and the worst part about it is that for 3 days I haven't been satisfied. I'm never full, even though I've got pain in my belly that says I'm overly full.
Recommitting in this moment looks like finding the reason for the void, and filling it to over flowing with love and gratitude. The brownies are gone, the cookies, and the donuts are too. Time to peel back another layer, dig a little deeper, and create something bigger.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Hell
For the past two weeks I've been in calorie counting hell. Actually maybe it's not calorie counting hell, maybe it's carbohydrate hell, or just over eating hell. Whatever it is it's hell.
I have started working out two times a day. Maybe my body is needing the extra energy. Either way I feel like the combination of working graveyards, physical activity, lack of sleep, and increased eating has made me feel rather... poopy.
I'm not giving up the two a days. I enjoy the work outs way too much. I'm open to the possibility that my body needs extra energy, so I'll re-look at my calories/eating habits.
I've never been this close to a "goal weight" before. My fear is that I may be sabotaging myself. So, that put out there, I can let go of that fear and remind myself of what my goals are, refocus and recommit.
I bought some new pants at Walmart (yes, Walmart, I'd rather shop elsewhere, but when jeans are only $12 and your on a fixed income you can't beat what they have to offer) I took size 8 and size 6 into the fitting room with me, totally expecting that the 6 would not zip or button. They did both! They're not too tight either. I do have a muffin top, but I have a muffin top in my size 10's and my size 12's that fall off. Why? Because I have all this excess skin I gotta get rid of. I'll take it though. I'd rather have the skin all loose and charpei looking than full and round and ... yeah, you get the picture. I'm confident that the work outs will tone some of this up, and eventually if needed I'll have the money to get a new belly... and some boobs. I used to have fairly nice ones... now I just have the bags they came in. Oh well. :) I really hope you're laughing right now.
Bring on a new week. I'm ready!
Much love,
Alisha xoxoxo
I have started working out two times a day. Maybe my body is needing the extra energy. Either way I feel like the combination of working graveyards, physical activity, lack of sleep, and increased eating has made me feel rather... poopy.
I'm not giving up the two a days. I enjoy the work outs way too much. I'm open to the possibility that my body needs extra energy, so I'll re-look at my calories/eating habits.
I've never been this close to a "goal weight" before. My fear is that I may be sabotaging myself. So, that put out there, I can let go of that fear and remind myself of what my goals are, refocus and recommit.
I bought some new pants at Walmart (yes, Walmart, I'd rather shop elsewhere, but when jeans are only $12 and your on a fixed income you can't beat what they have to offer) I took size 8 and size 6 into the fitting room with me, totally expecting that the 6 would not zip or button. They did both! They're not too tight either. I do have a muffin top, but I have a muffin top in my size 10's and my size 12's that fall off. Why? Because I have all this excess skin I gotta get rid of. I'll take it though. I'd rather have the skin all loose and charpei looking than full and round and ... yeah, you get the picture. I'm confident that the work outs will tone some of this up, and eventually if needed I'll have the money to get a new belly... and some boobs. I used to have fairly nice ones... now I just have the bags they came in. Oh well. :) I really hope you're laughing right now.
Bring on a new week. I'm ready!
Much love,
Alisha xoxoxo
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Caffeine!
Only 8 more graveyard shifts to go! Can I get a halleluja! Last night was bad, as far as the things I put into my body, and it continued into the day.
On my way to work I knew I was in trouble, I was tired already. I stopped at my favorite late night conveniece store and bought the entire pot of freshly brewed dark roast coffee. That was sign number two.
Strike three came around halfway through the night when I found that little voice in the back of my head whispering "it's ok, just close your eyes, you'll still hear the phone, and the radio". NO! I jumped out of my chair and headed for the Rockstar Recovery I had in the fridge from a previous night.
All that caffeine gave me a little bit of a tummy ache. When I got off work I found myself craving carbs, couldn't get enough of them. I ate granola, a slice of pear cake, a piece of home made wheat bread with honey, all before I even realized what I was doing.
Then my tummy REALLY ached. In fact, even now, nearly 24 hours later I can still feel it. Maybe that's because when I got to work tonight my co worker had made some delicious ham and pasta salad, as well as sweet and salty chex mix. I figured I'd had such a horrible eating day already what the heck. I had some of both.
Needless to say my daily caloric intake is nearly double what I've been having.
So what's the good news? I now know what just over 2000 calories of almost all carbohydrates and fats really feels like. It doesn't feel good. Instead of beating myself up about it, I'm just recommitting to my healthy lifestyle, now, in this moment. I have a refrigerator clear full of delicious fruits and veggies that I got from my bountiful basket yesterday. I'm excited to create something with all of that fresh produce!
Have a beautiful day, and thanks for reading.
Much love,
Alisha xoxoxo
On my way to work I knew I was in trouble, I was tired already. I stopped at my favorite late night conveniece store and bought the entire pot of freshly brewed dark roast coffee. That was sign number two.
Strike three came around halfway through the night when I found that little voice in the back of my head whispering "it's ok, just close your eyes, you'll still hear the phone, and the radio". NO! I jumped out of my chair and headed for the Rockstar Recovery I had in the fridge from a previous night.
All that caffeine gave me a little bit of a tummy ache. When I got off work I found myself craving carbs, couldn't get enough of them. I ate granola, a slice of pear cake, a piece of home made wheat bread with honey, all before I even realized what I was doing.
Then my tummy REALLY ached. In fact, even now, nearly 24 hours later I can still feel it. Maybe that's because when I got to work tonight my co worker had made some delicious ham and pasta salad, as well as sweet and salty chex mix. I figured I'd had such a horrible eating day already what the heck. I had some of both.
Needless to say my daily caloric intake is nearly double what I've been having.
So what's the good news? I now know what just over 2000 calories of almost all carbohydrates and fats really feels like. It doesn't feel good. Instead of beating myself up about it, I'm just recommitting to my healthy lifestyle, now, in this moment. I have a refrigerator clear full of delicious fruits and veggies that I got from my bountiful basket yesterday. I'm excited to create something with all of that fresh produce!
Have a beautiful day, and thanks for reading.
Much love,
Alisha xoxoxo
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Word Press Web Spinner
Or something like it...
I recently created a WordPress website for Runnin' For Heroes. This is a 5k run we are hosting here in Sevier county. It's a charity event with the proceeds of the race going to Pennies For Heroes.
I realize that the set up with WordPress is pretty simple, but I celebrate the fact that I was able to do it, complete with a plug in for registering and paying for the event.
I'm excited for this race because not only does it give us the opportunity to give back to our fallen heroes, it also provides a way to recognize the every day heroes in our lives. The brave men and women who vow to keep our communities safe, who put themselves in the line of danger every day in order to ensure that safety. It is also an opportunity for Police, Fire, and EMS to network with each other, building lasting relationships and friendships.
I never expected I'd be involved in something like this, but I am very, very grateful that I am.
Much love,
Alisha
xoxoxo
I recently created a WordPress website for Runnin' For Heroes. This is a 5k run we are hosting here in Sevier county. It's a charity event with the proceeds of the race going to Pennies For Heroes.
I realize that the set up with WordPress is pretty simple, but I celebrate the fact that I was able to do it, complete with a plug in for registering and paying for the event.
I'm excited for this race because not only does it give us the opportunity to give back to our fallen heroes, it also provides a way to recognize the every day heroes in our lives. The brave men and women who vow to keep our communities safe, who put themselves in the line of danger every day in order to ensure that safety. It is also an opportunity for Police, Fire, and EMS to network with each other, building lasting relationships and friendships.
I never expected I'd be involved in something like this, but I am very, very grateful that I am.
Much love,
Alisha
xoxoxo
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Gym Rat
I totally believe in the power of manifestation. I have for quite some time been pondering a gym membership. What kept me from actually purchasing one? MONEY. So... I began pondering, thinking about, contemplating an affordable gym membership, pass, punch card, something. It was a frequent thought, but I didn't consciously act on it. After all what I've been doing has worked this long.
Then opportunity knocked. In the form of a $10/month membership extended to Sheriffs deputies, Dispatchers, EMS, and Fire in Sevier and Piute Counties from Lifetime Fitness. I could not pass this deal up, and I'm so glad I did. For those of you who fit in this category, Hurry in, Monday the 31st is the last day they are offering the deal!
I joined a couple of weeks ago. I've gone to every class offered at 8:30 am for a little over 2 weeks now. I even got with a trainer and had her show me how to use some of the machinery in the downstairs of the gym. I already notice a difference.
I've got 30 pounds to go to my goal. I think most of this is going to come off from efforts at the gym. I also have to tone my body! I have angel wings I never thought I'd have, and my belly I've lovingly termed my charpae belly. I may end up having some skin cut off, but I'd like to see what I can accomplish through exercise first.
I'm loving the gym. If I didn't have to go home and sleep, I might stay an extra hour and work out some more.
So now I have two loves, the gym, and Zumba in Central Valley. Shauna and the other instructors make it so much fun. I look forward to Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights. I couldn't do it with out the help of my mom though, and I want her to know how much I appreciate her willingness to watch my children while I shake it, and while I work. She is a lifeline, and I love her very much.
until next time, xoxoxo
Alisha
Then opportunity knocked. In the form of a $10/month membership extended to Sheriffs deputies, Dispatchers, EMS, and Fire in Sevier and Piute Counties from Lifetime Fitness. I could not pass this deal up, and I'm so glad I did. For those of you who fit in this category, Hurry in, Monday the 31st is the last day they are offering the deal!
I joined a couple of weeks ago. I've gone to every class offered at 8:30 am for a little over 2 weeks now. I even got with a trainer and had her show me how to use some of the machinery in the downstairs of the gym. I already notice a difference.
I've got 30 pounds to go to my goal. I think most of this is going to come off from efforts at the gym. I also have to tone my body! I have angel wings I never thought I'd have, and my belly I've lovingly termed my charpae belly. I may end up having some skin cut off, but I'd like to see what I can accomplish through exercise first.
I'm loving the gym. If I didn't have to go home and sleep, I might stay an extra hour and work out some more.
So now I have two loves, the gym, and Zumba in Central Valley. Shauna and the other instructors make it so much fun. I look forward to Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights. I couldn't do it with out the help of my mom though, and I want her to know how much I appreciate her willingness to watch my children while I shake it, and while I work. She is a lifeline, and I love her very much.
until next time, xoxoxo
Alisha
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Moving...
As you may have noticed, some posts are no longer here. Never fear, I've just moved them over to the food/nutrition blog. go check it out: lishesdishes@blogspot.com I hope you enjoy it!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Issues
Sitting here at work tonight I'm confronted with the fact that I still have pretty major issues with food. The isolation of graveyard shift has brought it to light. There is always food in dispatch, most of the time it's no good. Candies, cookies, chocolate. Left overs from the last party, etc. This is a recipe for disaster.
I'm alone. I like being alone, sometimes. But I don't like feeling isolated. I know that doesn't make sense. BUT, I feel isolated. It's me, the late night TV, internet, and junk food. Throw in some late night emergencies, calls for any type of assistance and I'm right back to the adrenaline dump syndrom. I look forward to the time the graveyards are over. I've said it before. Food is the lover that doesn't leave. I'd like to think I have more tools to deal with this addiction. I do. However the past couple of days I've given in, over and over again. Perhaps it's the lack of human interaction at night. Perhaps, and probably more to the point it's an oportunity for me to look at my relationship with food once again.
Up until this point I've used my food addiction as a catalyst for changing my eating habits, my health. I'm still obsessed with food. I changed the focus of the obsession from what tasted and felt decadent in my mouth to what looked great, tasted great, and helped me look great. Am I ready to let go of food? My constant companion. Results from the last couple of days would say no. What's a girl to do?
I know one thing for certain. I've got a month left of this late night stuff, and nothing but time on my hands while at work to figure it out.
Stay tuned.
Much love,
Alisha
I'm alone. I like being alone, sometimes. But I don't like feeling isolated. I know that doesn't make sense. BUT, I feel isolated. It's me, the late night TV, internet, and junk food. Throw in some late night emergencies, calls for any type of assistance and I'm right back to the adrenaline dump syndrom. I look forward to the time the graveyards are over. I've said it before. Food is the lover that doesn't leave. I'd like to think I have more tools to deal with this addiction. I do. However the past couple of days I've given in, over and over again. Perhaps it's the lack of human interaction at night. Perhaps, and probably more to the point it's an oportunity for me to look at my relationship with food once again.
Up until this point I've used my food addiction as a catalyst for changing my eating habits, my health. I'm still obsessed with food. I changed the focus of the obsession from what tasted and felt decadent in my mouth to what looked great, tasted great, and helped me look great. Am I ready to let go of food? My constant companion. Results from the last couple of days would say no. What's a girl to do?
I know one thing for certain. I've got a month left of this late night stuff, and nothing but time on my hands while at work to figure it out.
Stay tuned.
Much love,
Alisha
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Health Coach?
I feel the urge to give back from this incredible journey that I've been on for the past 8+ months. I truly want to make a difference. A lot of options have run through my mind, but none so prevelant as a health, or nutrition coach.
My nerves tend to overtake me as I contemplate the possibilities. I've done a bit of research, found some seemingly good companies that provide "accredidation" or training to certify a person as a coach. I'm hesitant to enroll in a program that wants me to pitch their product, as I'm kind of proud of the fact that I've made it this far without having taken any one particular suppliment or followed any specific weightloss plan.
My true fear is that no one will want to hear what I have to say. That no one will want my coaching. So I feel a bit stalled at the moment. Do I move on with this, or allow my fear to take over? I've never been one to give in to fear. I just deserve a good jumping off spot.
Much love,
Alisha
My nerves tend to overtake me as I contemplate the possibilities. I've done a bit of research, found some seemingly good companies that provide "accredidation" or training to certify a person as a coach. I'm hesitant to enroll in a program that wants me to pitch their product, as I'm kind of proud of the fact that I've made it this far without having taken any one particular suppliment or followed any specific weightloss plan.
My true fear is that no one will want to hear what I have to say. That no one will want my coaching. So I feel a bit stalled at the moment. Do I move on with this, or allow my fear to take over? I've never been one to give in to fear. I just deserve a good jumping off spot.
Much love,
Alisha
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Goodbye
Today I had the honor of traveling to Walsburg for my dear cousin's funeral. He was too young in my mind to have chosen to leave this world, yet that is what he did. He leaves behind a beautiful daughter.
It's difficult to see such a vibrant young life taken, and there are still many unanswered questions. I take solace knowing that he has found peace, and is surrounded by love once again.
Until then, xoxo
Alisha
It's difficult to see such a vibrant young life taken, and there are still many unanswered questions. I take solace knowing that he has found peace, and is surrounded by love once again.
Until then, xoxo
Alisha
Anniversary
It's been just over a year that this little blog has been in existence, and while I've not written in it as often as I had originally intended, the fact that it is still here is something to be celebrated.
The fact that I am still here is to be celebrated. This is me, just 8 months ago. I could barely breath. I thought I was going to die. I remembered to love me. To take charge of my life.
And this is me almost a month ago. Down a little over 100 pounds. Can I get a woot! woot!
I've still got a ways to go before I hit my goal, so stay tuned. :)
Much love,
Alisha
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